20 April 2006

Recipes for the bachelor who isn't afraid of heart disease

For the bachelor there is little more satisfying or efficient than the pork beast. Bacon, fried by itself is the perfect accompaniment to an infinite variety of sources for the daring single cook. And yet, there is even more flavor and satisfaction to be uncovered for every dish that touches the pan, especially so as a only a small number of dishes is actually needed to satisfy a man’s appetite for a self cooked meal. It would seem that many bachelors don’t know that such tasty dishes can be created in a single pan. Or they are badgered by women, whose pants they wish to enter, to eat healthier more complex meals. This then, is a guide to all free men, who do not fear heart disease. Enjoy. All recipes yield one serving except where noted.

Bacon sandwich
    • Bacon
    • Cheese
    • Mayonnaise
    • Bread.
    • Black pepper
  • Cook bacon, sprinkle with pepper on both sides while cooking.
  • SPAM can be substituted for bacon. Cut SPAM as thin as possible and cook till hard and brown.
  • Toast bread.
  • Spread [mayonnaise] on both slices of bread.
  • Put cheese and bacon on bread.
  • Serve with beer.

Sausage and Rice
    • Loose pork sausage
    • Rice
    • Beans (optional)
    • Salt
    • Black pepper
    • Butter
  • Cook rice.
  • Cook sausage in butter until it’s no longer pink.
  • Sausage can be substituted with and combination of bacon, SPAM, or ham.
  • Drain beans and combine with sausage.
  • Add rice to sausage and bean mixture.
  • Season to taste with salt and pepper.
  • Serve with beer.


Hash browns and pig
    • Pork meat.
    • Potatoes O’Brien
    • Cheese
    • Salt
    • Black pepper
    • Cheese
    • Egg
  • Cook pork meat. You can use either bacon, sausage, SPAM or any combination of the three. Alternatively, you can use any left over meat or meat product found in the refrigerator.
  • Add a handful or two of potatoes to pan. Season to taste with pepper and salt.
  • Cook till done.
  • Sprinkle cheese over potatoes.
  • Add egg to potatoes and stir to combine.
  • Serve with beer.

Mac and porker
    • Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
    • SPAM
    • Cream Cheese
  • Cook macaroni and cheese according to directions on box.
  • Dice SPAM and cook in a separate pan till brown and hard.
  • Add SPAM and cream cheese to macaroni and cheese. Mix to combine.
  • Serve with beer.

That’s it. The well read bachelor really doesn’t need to know how to prepare anything else. More complicated fare such as steaks and hamburgers can be purchased from a respectable restaurant and the bachelor is best to not attempt these dishes at home as they frequently call for the use of such accessories as vegetables. Vegetables simply shouldn’t be cooked by the eager amateur as they require specialized equipment, like deep fryers, to prepare the ingredients in such a manner that the natural flavors are replaced with the more agreeable flavor of beer batter. For this reason, matters of convenience, and loose waitresses, things like hot wings and onion rings should only be prepared by trained professionals in the controlled environment of a sports pub. It’s worthy of note to mention that the ingredients from any of these recipes can be combined with any other or all contained herein to create a meal for you and your buddies.

3 comments:

Mike Sugarbaker said...

But what of the Monte Cristo?

TheUrbanFarmer said...

I take my bacon straight up.

Roninspoon said...

The Monteo Chisto, when properly prepared, is one of the finest achievements of the sandwhich craft. It is, however, remarkably easy to screw up, and if you lack culinary skill, it should not be attempted. I recommend a diner, but not Clarke's on Belmont in Chicago. While most of their fare is typical, their Monte Christo is abominable.